A new city..some new dreams..new faces..new masks.
The first few days passed in a haze...struggle for a room..basic adjustments..getting pillows,cups,spoons,buckets and other ticky tacky.A dream had suddenly come true..and everything seemed to be falling into places.The sky seemed to be a new shade of blue..the grass greener.
Now the initial ripples are over.i know exactly which shortcut to take to reach my dept.Which canteen serves what cheaper and comparitively more edible.I have been introduced to campus politics..something that is an integral part of JNU culture.
But yet,even though things seem to be quite smooth,somewhere in that new shade of blue,I still look for that familiar hue of grey..in that greener grass I still look for that speck of brown..my roots.


This piece is in no way a clear or good read.so please excuse..I was just feeling very homesick..

The strings of life are just getting twisted...They are getting tangled up like the windchime you try to starighten out so carefully..yet fail over and over.They are knotting up like the ball of wool your kitten just played with..and shedded to pieces at last.Certain uncertainities and some sureshots are cluttering up my system..clogging me up and I just can't breathe!! It's like those days that you are crying..and don't know why..yet can't stop either. Like you need a hug..but don't know from whom...sometimes anybody will do..and sometimes nobody will do!!!
I see dark clouds...but please someone help me see the silver line....

Him..

My kid sister is falling in love with him. She's dreaming about him ..talking about him..running off to be alone with him...the whole package..

It seems kind of strange.As if that was me just yesterday! Me and him.I still remember clearly...rushing home from school, sometimes skipping lunch and closing the door of my room, just to be alone with him...Staying awake long past Ma went to sleep..and then sneaking off to him.Tests,exams..I never cared..he was always more important! I remember as we both together stepped into teenage..and journeyed through the days of our lives..his life and mine interwined to form 'ours'. Smilling with him, crying with him, dreaming about him...just as my sister is today.
Just one thing was different...she doesn't have to wait for him like I did...
Waiting had its own charm.Waiting for him to be back..and in the meanwhile..imagining.Turning off my sense organs during boring history periods,and smirking inside..'they don't understand!! I'm a witch!!'... Getting late for school..the peon locking the gate,and me desperately trying 'alohomora'.Craving for a wand when I broke the persian vase..Our world..a lot of mine..a bit of Harry's..

I still go back to him sometimes..times when I'm really low.And even though the butterfly has flown away..there still are some faint traces of colours left on my fingertips...My eternal bit of 'lumous'...

Magic is a powerful word...a powerful world.And my sister is falling in love.
I'm glad. :)

Fact is 'stranger' than fiction ??

A princess with long golden hair...A wicked stepmother who sends poisoned apples...A witch being pushed into a baking oven by two tiny kids...A mermaid who is reduced to foam because she can't hurt her beloved....A mother who dies to save her son from a certain dark wizard,leaving him a realm of protection and a scar.
Strange stories....my childhood passed as I escaped into these worlds.

A 6 year old girl is pushed into an oven because she, coming from a lower caste dared to cross a road 'owned' by someone from a higher caste.She shrieks and screams as her fleash peels away...nobody comes to her rescue. ..... A certain girl claims that her husband committed suicide,when the whole country knows better...the candles burned and melted..the placards were painted and washed away...'suicide' claimed the woman whom he loved. ..... A 25 year old youth was butchered by his girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend.The duo then burnt the peices,dumped it in a forest..and went out to dinner! .... A 15 year old schoolgirl killed by her father (maybe with consent of her mother too) Her throat was slit open and she was left to bleed to death in her own room....
Stranger facts....unescapable reality.
how long can we wince as we read these news and turn the page?How long can we close our eyes and pretend?How long can we not hear the shouts?Not answer the questions raised? How long can we just shrug....Fact is stranger than fiction?????

Behind a splashed door..

A layer of splashed water drops cover the mirror in my bathroom.Cold drops penetrate my skin like tiny bullets.The rhythm of water dancing on the floor creates a blanket of soothing sound that envelopes me,muffling the chaotic noises of our house.Tension in my back that I didn't even know existed..oozes out of my pores,and down my body in cascading litte streams.I breathe a mist of scented shampoo and dove soap..a welcome change from the polluted weather outside.

In the shower I'm alone.No younger sister barging into my room unexpectedly,no shrill ringing of the telephone and unwanted voices across,no parents nagging.
The ceramic tiles in my bathroom have perfect co-ordination that transform my shower into a romantic dream.The cubicle changes into a concert hall,as I sing my heart out on a shampoo-bottle microphone.In my shower..I'm free.I can make all my dreams come true.I can be a celebrity..flashing a smile at the camera or a writer..signing out autographed copies of her latest book...

Sometimes,I sit in the shower and cry.My salty tears mingling with the waterdrops upon my face..until even I can no longer tell them apart.I cried when I realise I knew nothing of my exams next week..I cried when S left..I cried when R and I stopped talking once..I cried the inevitable tears after watching 'stepmom' again,for the nth time.And sometimes I cry out of sheer reasonless frustration.Within these walls I can cry..and my tears are washed away,unseen and unknown.

The waterdrops that fall from my showerhead are not normal H2O molecules.They have the magical power to activate my neurons.It amazes me to realise how many of these posts originated in the shower!
This daily ritual lets my mind go free.To catch and reflect thoughts that drift over my mind,before they vanish like the flashes of fireflies.I know I have a tendency to deplete the house supply of water,much to the annoyance of the rest of my family.But my shower is just too inportant for mr to care.It is a pocket of time away from the franctic deadlines,numerous places to be and things to do.It is a chance to reflect and enjoy...a welcome bit of friction to slow down a hectic day.

The water that flows down in spirals beneath my feet and down the drain,cleanses not only my body,but my mind and soul...leaving behind the bare essence....that is me.

Blue

I'm not just blue.. but very deep blue..whatever that means.And this time it's not reasonless like the bouts I regularly go through..

1. I messed up big time in my University finals.I'm doomed.

2. Now,that my exams are over..I have nothing to do.College is over.

3. I just had a haircut yesterday,which was looking pretty good then..but now I look like a lion with a bushy mane.

4. S left for training yesterday.So there'll just be rare one minute calls now for the whole of two months!(That's for the whole of my post-exam break)Stupid Vodafone roaming costs!!I'm missing him already:(

5. I'm not getting any comments on this blog...BECAUSE I'm not writing anything!! I just can't! (writer's block or whatever it's called)

AND I have no idea why I'm writing all this!! Let me just go and sulk...

At the end of the tunnel....

I woke up in a very bad mood yesterday.I'm not really sure why...maybe it was because of the dream,which I couldn't clearly remember..or maybe because the dreaded exams were now practically staring right up my nose and I was still unarmed to face it.Or maybe because he hadn't called last night and I had thus waited,staring at my cell till sleep conquered..Whatever it be,I had woken up to be a very grumpy me.

I was supposed to see him yesterday after a long time,and I knew that I won't be seeing him again for an even longer time.I should have been happy,euphoric,as I usually am on such days..but yesterday I wasn't.I wasn't...because I knew I would be meeting him in a stuffed auditorium..among a cluster of unknown faces.I knew there would be lots I would want to tell him,and even more I would want to hear..but I also knew we would never manage.The realisation just made me grumpier.I didn't want to go atall..but I knew I would.

I sulked all morning.Scribbled nonsense in my diary out of sheer vengence.Shooed away the pigeons harmlessly strutting across the roof because I somehow felt they were mocking me by cocking their heads and cooing.What would they know of my helplessness?They could damn well fly to anywhere!! I again decided that I didn't want to go..meeting him after so long,that too for a few minutes would just make me feel worse!...yet still I knew that I would.

I spent all afternoon just sinking into the depths of frustration.Why was he so busy?And the eternal question...'am I not important??' And then finally I got ready.

I had the window seat by the bus.The sky was overcast...the dark sensual clouds covering the city.The wind thrashed around wildly...a wildness that I was feeling within but couldn't emote.I wanted to be with him right then..walking down some godforsaken or rather manforsaken road.I wanted to be with him alone when it rained...running to take refuge under the shed of some tiny shutter-closed shop or maybe sitting in a nameless roadside stall sipping oversweetened tea,laughing at some silly joke.There were so many things I wanted to do.. instead I was sitting in this stupid bus.. heading for that darn auditorum.My eyes watered as the wind stung fiercely..yet I stubbornly kept them open.

It was raining heavily when I reached.Everything was just as I had expected.The place cramped with people.Irritatingly excited people. He just called and said he couldn't manage to meet me before the show.The faces still kept on smiling.I swear I could have screamed.I would have taken a bus back home right then,had a friend not actually grabbed my arm and literally pulled me inside.

I sat down,on a creeking rickety chair...the lights dimmed...the curtains parted.As the play started all that ran through my mind was how irritated I was with him..how as always he was taking me for granted..how... and then I saw him,across rows of bobbing heads.And although it was pitch dark,I felt he was looking straight at me...just like I feel everytime I see him on stage.Minutes ticked by...and I watched..awed..till he disappeard.I was woken from the trance as my cell vibrated..'can you come outside please?' I slipped out ..head ducked..I knew what to say.I had a list...starting from why he hadn't called last night...

I stepped out..blinking as the light stung.There he was,on the empty corridor.I looked up,he looked down..and time stood still.He smiled...his eyes twinkled..he knew he would get away with it again..and he did.The clumsy auditorium faded out...and it all came tumbling down..the cascading desire..the whims of passion..the tender pain...And I suddenly knew,nomatter how many hurdles we had to cross to reach it,nomatter how rare it was,or how short..this moment was ours..this moment was bliss.And it is these moments that help us go on when we are miles apart.

'I have to go in once more to take a bow' he said.....I nodded.We went in...he was on stage again.This time, as the sound of applause vibrated against me..I knew he was looking straight at me.The people around were smiling again...just this time, it wasn't irritating.. it wasn't meaningless..

It was for us.

Adios.....

Yes.It's over.The official invitation came yesterday... Farewell on monday.
Suddenly it's all coming back...entering as a nervous 17 year old..unknown city.. unknown surroundings.. and then tumbling head along into life. No looking back since..

It's all coming back.. those hours on the college roof..hours of non-stop singing under the grey, dull,unending monotonous sky.. eden and victoria etched on the horizon.The new nicknames.The periods bunked for tea at 'sanju da's' debating over authors,singers and politics..and the inevitable fight over who pays for whom.The cricket matches at maidan and the shameless sledging.The days of walking around esplanade having nothing else to do.The numerous first day first shows (there are 7 theatres within 15 mins walk).The new slangs..and then using them with ease, as if i knew them forever.Finally understanding the meaning of 'flings' (it's still unacceptable to me though).

It's all coming back as if a slow flashback.. B's checking his hair everytime we passed a parked car,bike anything... A's fear of dogs, and the strange coincidence that the dogs always barked at only him. :) Getting kicked out of class for playing hangman in the last bench.Learning to play 29..and the addiction thereafter.Those getting drenched in the rain and roadside pakoras.The dayouts and inevitable crossing the 'come home' deadline..and then running down streets, bumping into people,screaming at the taxi driver to go faster.The laughings till our stomachs hurt and eyes watered.The endless addas on S's roof..till dusk fell over the railingless ancient central kolkata house..seeing eachother in the pale lights of cigaretes and ocassional flashes of matches.Our shadows on the naked bricks..Not a care what lay ahead.
It's all coming back in a sudden flash flood...some misty..some clear as yesterday.A warm clutter of intangible emotions..

Not all that's coming back is good though.The various masks of people...the bitchings and back bitings...brocken promises...the tears and and seeing hearts break..Yet for today,I choose to ignore them.Today I allow cynicsm to lose hands down.

This post is just a honest note of gratitude to Maulana Azad College, to the wonderful people I found... and to the three most topsy turvy yet enchanting years of my life.

Tag 1

OK.. So here goes my first tag.Well I was tagged by nobody,but found this tag so interesting that just had to do it.

Life Ten Years Ago
My life was pretty different ten years back.Thanks to my Dad,I spent my 10th and 11th Birthdays in Germany and California..So ten years back I was struggling with my lessons at school,trying my best to pass 5th grade in a German medium school.And in between there were trips...trips to places that didn't mean much to me then,but as I look back now,I realise I've been to places at the age of ten that many don't see in their entire life!Life ten years back had taken me to Germany,France,Italy,Switzerland,Netherlands,England and the United States...
As extraordinary as it all sounds,it wasn't all that smooth..There were new schools,new languages to pick up,new cultures to gel into,homesickness....but all that will be in another post.

Life Five Years Ago
High school...the scramble for grades and popularity... the zeal of life and the firm belief in yourself..Five years ago was limitless freedom.Freedom of dreams,thoughts, and hopes soaring high...Our gang...Cycle races.. sleepovers...crushes and giggles...Hrithik mania and Harry Potter.
Class elections and cheering at house matches...Dad's words to be serious and concentrate on studies...listening with a straight face...
Basically five years ago I gave a damn about where life would take me five years later.

Life Tomorrow
Umm.. lets see....

Five Locations I would like to go to
1. Kharagpur.. anyday
2. Kashmir
3. Goa
4. Egypt
5. Hawaii

Five Bad Habits I have
1. Nail biting
2. Mood swings
3. Losing my temper quickly (Specially with people really close to me)
4. Too outspoken
5. Trusting people too easily

Five Things I Will Never Wear
1. False attitude
2. Bodysuits (I'll never have the figure to flaunt)
3. Stilettoes on Kolkata roads
4. Bellybutton rings.Never.
5. Red lipcolour

Something to Achieve By Next Year
A certain degree of stability

Something that Impacted Me Last Year
A new person

What I will Miss About 2007
College

Five things I want to do before I die
1. Go on a cruise ship
2. Write a book
3. Feel self content
4. Have happy realtionships,created not by blood ties,but by heart
5. Go on an unplanned journey with a likeminded person.


Finally done!!.... and I tag Stanley Ipkiss.. and anyone who's interested..

Simply.Sheer.Genius.

A child.....His family....His friends....His tears... His anger.... His despair....His fears...

His world.... all his.... yet still yours..

A little sweet, a little sour,

A little close, not too far.

A story.. a lot of his.. a bit of yours...A story known...yet unrealised...A story clearly real.. yet magic embedded...

You walk in the hall as you.. and even before you are half way through.. you are him. And as you walk out..the luminescence lingers...the melody haunts ...

Let me in without a shout,

Let me in I have a doubt,

There are more, many more,

Many many many more like me..