A letter to you

It's been a really long time since I wrote to you.I know I have always been selfish in this matter,writing to you only when I am desperate for replies.But tell me honestly is it just me who is selfish?Is just me who does things with certain expectations and gets hurt when these fall flat on the face?

You must be wondering what I am rambling about.You must be confused.But then again.. maybe not.You never are.You always know exactly what to say.. and better still,exactly what not to say.

I on the other hand, go around in circles..rather viscous ones may I add. My mind tangles up like the ball of wool the kitten just played with. I start out at a point,and then spiral down...down...down...untill the point is no longer visible. 'Chronic depression' I used to say... 'melancholy' you whispered.

The truth is that I am tired.... I am tired of creating shadows and then fighting with them.... fighting till I loose...till my body, mind, soul aches...till I fall down alone and disarmed.
You remember all this don't you? Remember how you used to laugh when I fell? How I hated you then..hated you for taking joy in my pain...hatred turned to rage and then to power...I stood up to fight the shadows again.

You knew why you laughed,didn't you?You always knew.Always.

Cry you used to say...'I am not weak' used to be my reply.I still don't cry.But now I know,you don't have to be weak to cry.You have to be strong.Brutally strong.And honest too.I am neither.I escape.
But I am tired...tired of escaping...tired of chasing the darkness...yet afraid to stop....tired of breaking the walls that I toiled so hard to build...tired of yet again stooping down..collecting the pieces and rebuilding...

I am tired.I am sleep deprived.So I write to you.