The pain is unbearable at times…most of the time. It feels like trying to lie on a bed of nails, every turn and I bleed all over again. It’s suffocating. Like trying to breathe while someone is pushing me under water…try too hard and water rushes in my lungs making my brain scream. Sometimes there are side effects. Hours of incessant crying, inability to get out of bed, the urge to punch everyone who’s happy, drowning in low self esteem, these all came with the package.

But, then there are the other times. Pain becomes a respite. It is the only feeling that makes me feel alive. It surpasses all dimensions. Time becomes reversible, and reality a myth. I can feel him breathe. I can hear his heart beat. I wake up in the middle of the night and the room still smells of the last cigarette we shared. I share entire conversations with him in my head. I can hear his voice, his laugh, his possessiveness. Pain is welcome then. Pain is enjoyed…relished…loved.

It seems like an era spent with him, and a lifetime lies ahead to walk alone. But am I ever really alone? On a surprisingly cloudy day…or when the auto’s cracked radio belts out long forgotten songs …or when I pull out my diary to find his writings scribbled…or when walking in a crowd, a stranger’s face suddenly looks like his… am I ever alone?

There are times when I try to induce the pain. But means are few. Forgotten pens, posed pictures, a certain ring, chocolate wrappers, café bills that’s all I have left. We played by the rules. Amicable, cordial and mature were the words used. But the rules never stated the after effects. They never warned me that I might not need reminders. That his memories would be like Pandora’s box. You never know what to expect. It may burn you all over again…but you won’t be able to stop yourself from opening it.

I have no control anymore. The pain plays with me like waves. Pulling me in an embrace and then spitting me out onto the cold hard ground. I don’t know when it gets better…or if it ever really does. But right now, he exists only in the pain…and as long as he does, I am ready to be lost in the sea.